Fuck my family.
You’re all ignorant and whenever I straight up tell you that you hurt my feelings, you say you don’t. lol when did you become my emotions?!
HI YOU'RE ONLINE? keep it that way xo I miss you wait I just saw you haha swag haha bun swag
I don’t know how to work this. halp. I’m pressing one for english.
Everything: Downhill.
At around this time last year, it was the best of the best pretty much. I was super close with friends, my job was fair, and my parents were actually pretty decent. Everything was simple. Everyone treated me equally. Life was really good. Now, fast forward. It’s mid-May of 2011, and I don’t think I’ve ever found myself in such a mess compared to anything in my past, period. The only thing I’m really proud of is getting over Ivan. (R.I.P.) I was wishing for a long time that somehow someway he’d be able to come back, but I guess not. Ever since then, I’ve been in and out of anything and everything. I’ve been in an abusive relationship, both physically and mentally. And those two also being the longest held and most cherished so it struck me hard. Ever since I was little, I’ve had problems with my emotions. I take after my mom. There’s a set chemical imbalance in my brain. No big deal, right? Sure, until you smash something sentimental and then it’s too late to stop that anger. Or before you overdose on some old, stupid medication you scrapped up from the bathroom cabinet. It’s too late to take that back. I’ve attempted to get help from a professional and that failed horribly. I’ve been hanging on a string by myself for a while now. It seems after my (physical) abusive relationship, I was really cursed. I know I’m a hair away from eighteen, but I ought to think that at least someone would make me feel like a something or a somebody. No one’s done that for me, ever. I’m never pardoned a chance to show compassion to anyone. Once I was cheated on once, every other person would cheat on me too. Why? I don’t really know. Then came along someone who I thought I could trust for a long time to come, until one night. I’m not going to go into detail, but I could’ve lost my life that night simply because he couldn’t help me. He couldn’t use words to reassure me. I’m super sensitive and I need support almost all of the time. I am a lot to handle and it makes me fear that I won’t have anyone in the long run. I’ve been told more than a dozen times that I’m fat, ugly, worthless, a bitch, and will be alone forever. It goes in one ear and… well, it never comes out of the other. I dwell on EVERYTHING people have to say. But lately? I’ve been getting irritated more rapidly. Work is a huge factor. I’m still getting paid minimum wage when I’ve been underneath the company’s contract for almost two years and put in well over thirty hours a week, sometimes reaching forty. My hours have been cut since business is slow and it’s really set me back with my bills but yet people think I have an endless amount of gas or something just because I work. I need well over $1000 to get my car fixed, plus keep up with the payments, car insurance, phone bill, and chipping in for rent. Yeah, that’s right. RENT. I’m 17 and I’m paying partial RENT. It SUCKS. I have NO TIME for anyone, not even myself so all of my problems build up. But when I do have something to say, it never comes out right because I’ve been dwelling on it for way too long. I have no clue what I’m going to do now either. I got a citation today for $110. I used the rest of my paycheck to pay my car insurance. I have roughly $60. My parents can’t help me either, because hell… my dad’s 3 months behind in rent and my mom’s unemployed. It’s so bad that we’re constantly getting letters about being evicted. I am seriously so scared of just coming home one day and my house is taped off and locked and I’m out on the streets. On top of that, I just am really determined to have a good relationship. With who? Who the hell knows. Every time I try for something, I think I scare the other person away. I’m sorry I am not thin. I’m sorry I am not flawless. I’m sorry I’m not perfect. I’m just sorry. No one really takes to heart how this makes me feel because I’ve never had a REAL relationship. Ivan was long-distance, Gary was abusive, Aaron was long-distance and everyone before, during, and after that were pure phases because they chose to screw me over, and do it well. I just want someone to be able to hug me, tell me everything will be okay, and… just smile. I haven’t been happy in… I forget actually. I laugh almost all of the time and I seem so happy, but I am slowly dying inside and every time I try explaining this to someone, they either apologize, pass it all up, or bluntly tell me that “they don’t know what to say.” I wish someone could just relate or help. Seriously.
[Flash 9 is required to listen to audio.]
